Loyal, tried and true

Well, I survived the first night. No one tried to kill me in my sleep, which I admit was a fear. Justin, thanks for letting me share your bed, hopefully I didn't snore too loud.

It's odd that I feel like Hufflepuff isn't really home anymore, it feels rather uncomfortable right now, and I feel that's a lot to do with Nate and Ernie. I don't hold it against them, but people take their lead from the prefect and the quidditch captain. And since I'm currently anathema to both of them, I think I might try to spend as little time in Hufflepuff as possible over the next few months. Not that I don't love Hufflepuff, but it's just hard to be there right now. Either of you know of a good place besides the library to study?

Thank you both for being a welcome wagon. You two are great.

Hey. Any chance of a snog or something? Or has that ship sailed?

I slept under the bed last night, curled up with the sweater Justin sent and the letters from him and Maisie and the books from Seamus and this stupid journal. Cowardly, I know, but I can't help it. I hesitate to think what he would try to do to me if he found me. There's things I want to tell people at Hogwarts, but I probably shouldn't trust the journals and I'm not sure I can trust owl post - or rather, I'm not sure they'd let me ward anything here. The other kids are giving me strange looks, thinking I'm responsible for Yaxley's reappearance or something. I suppose it's to be expected, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Yaxley's back. I knew it was too much to hope for that he was actually dead. I know what I would want to do if I were to meet him, but I don't know if I have the courage to kill him. But then I know it's Justin and Pig and others who deserve to kill him more than me.

What if he'd come here? The security isn't so tight here that a Death Eater wouldn't be able to get in. Does he have it in for me? I would love to turn him in, but I've already told the DMLE all I know.

My counselor is writing a letter to McGonagall with the aim of providing a penseive so that I can actually show Ernie the memories. And of course anyone from Hufflepuff and the DA. It's only fair. She doesn't trust the memories to be sent by post and is worried what might happen to me if I'm without them for too long. Since I can't imagine not having that in my head. Maybe it would give me a fresh start if they weren't in my head, but they're still in everyone else's head.

I don't feel ready to go back, what if Yaxley comes to Hogwarts? What then? People don't want me at Hogwarts and I think it'd be better for everyone if I didn't go back.

At least Valentine's day is over. Two more weeks here. I'm not sure if I'm happy or quaking in fear. I don't want to go back. I really don't. Every time I think it might be okay, but talking to Justin or Maisie or even Pig or Finnigan, then something comes along like the letter from Nate. I can't do it. I haven't touched the cake Maisie sent. I haven't put on the sweater Justin sent but it makes a good pillow.

I don't know what to do, but I just can't write to anyone there right now.

I've been thinking of Ernie's request. I'm willing to do it, and my therapist is willing to help, but I'm scared about being without those memories. But he should have time to see and process that before I come back. Maybe it'd be easier while I'm there. I don't know.

I can't help wondering if the court make the wrong decision.

Well, I suppose if I were to look at it analytically, getting three out of four responses isn't bad. Got them this morning at breakfast. Of course I read them right away, although I'm sure She's already read them, I'm not a fool. I don't care who reads what at this point. I didn't say anything in group. I couldn't. And in our session, I just sat there silently for an hour and a half. I don't want to put my quill to parchment, I don't want to go back to Hogwarts, they'd be better off without me.

Maisie's wasn't bad. It was downright delightful. She's making me smile in the midst of everything and well, it's beyond sweet. I want to see her, want to hold her like last summer.

I don't think there's anything I can say or do with Ernie. I'd recognize that handwriting anywhere. I.. there's nothing I can say. He makes it sound like I was evil all along. I wasn't. Maybe it'd be easier if I actually full heartedly believed in all the Death Eater bullshit and propaganda.

And Justin, Merlin, I understand why he had to write it, but I barely got through reading it.

I can't do this. They should have just kept me locked up in Azkaban. It would have been better for everyone.

Well, I've gotten my journal back. It feels strange to hold a quill in my hands. They've said they're going to be monitoring all my communication for awhile - owls and journals and the like, I reckon. Had my "intake" today. Which is an odd word. Felt more like verbal evisceration or having your innards spilled out in front of someone. I overheard the counselor talking to the director - they've put me on suicide watch. I don't think I could kill anything or anyone, even myself.

The skin is still raw where the manacles were.

I think I surprised the counselor when I mentioned my muggleborn friends and how much I like muggle things. Apparently I'm to work on what it means to be a pureblood, even if I have been disowned, and on helping me interact with people.

I need to write owls to people - as the first step towards reconciliation. There's a lot of people on that list who I want need to apologize to. I don't know if forgiveness is an option.

I wonder if there's anyone in Hufflepuff who doesn't hate me and want to kill me.

Circe's tits, I can't get Dillonsby out of my head. Met up with him for some snogging last night and Merlin that boy is talented. He's certainly increasing my experience level. Gave me one hell of a hand job yesterday and that's something I've never done before. Felt as brilliant as the first good wank I had in sixth year when I started to get a clue about how to do things properly instead of just rutting against the mattress. Books are good for that.

Maybe I ought to get myself some mags on queer stuff. Maybe Dillonsby would have some. Merlin, I kind of want to do that again. And the fact that Morag's alright with this? Icing on the bloody cake. Maybe I ought to propose to her right now, even if she is a Scot. Still can't believe that she actually likes me and wants to get to know me.

And snogging the hell out of Dillonsby helps take my mind off other people.

Not sure if this is how one does things, but Thanks? Last night was brilliant. Should do it again sometime.

I apologise for my actions this past week. I have let my own personal issues overshadow the reason that we are here. I am sorry for losing the house points and for setting such a poor example. I behaved in a most unbadgerlike way and will strive to do better in the future. Hufflepuff is about being loyal and hardworking, not about flying off the handle. Sometimes it's incredibly hard work to be civil with those you disagree with, but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be attempted. Hopefully, we can all learn from my mistakes.

Bugger it all to hell, I can't believe I did that. Public apologies? I must be losing my mind. I see Yaxley everywhere. See masks, hear the laughter. I'm not sleeping well anymore, though I'm not sure if anyone's noticed. It's not like I'm pacing the dorm room, just lying there staring at the curtains of my bed.

Merlin, when is quidditch starting? I need it like the squid needs water. I wonder if the squid is still there. I imagine so.

I've spent the last two days hiding in empty classrooms or on the pitch. I don't want to be in the den unless it's time for bed. Don't like people looking at me like there's something wrong with me. There isn't.

I had a panic attack while talking to Nate on these blasted things last night. I don't if it's better or worse that it was over the journals rather than in person. I can't believe I told him I liked snogging blokes. Can I bury myself in the snow now? Please? Maybe I can just fall off my broom and lose my memory.. And start all over.

If Father finds out I said something like that, well, then I'll be living off Justin's good graces come June probably. I wouldn't mind that, but well, if they find out about Yaxley and what I did, I don't think they'll forgive me.

One more fight and I'm off the team. Between Malfoy and Potter, I kind of think it's inevitable. I wonder if I could get a job without NEWTs.

So I reckon maybe you're right. I've got a question for you, if you're interested.

We're throwing a little birthday shindigsmall get together in which presents can be given if there are any and yummy food can be eaten. for our beloved prefect Ernie tonight at 10pm in the seventh year boys dorm. Nothing wild or crazy. Ladies, I trust you're clever enough to get up here.

I've got something for you. Any chance you'll be free sometime in the next few days so I can give it to you?

Bugger Ginny and Potter to hell. Both of them. First Red mucks up everything on New Years and then Potter decks me in the nose on the train. Lovely way to start the year. Odd year. Astoria sent me a present. Got her something in return as well. Need to give it to her at some point.

And Morag! I'm meeting her on the pitch tomorrow after class. I think we were flirting on the journals. Where did that come from? At least flirting with her is better than kissing Seamus in a skirt(MERLIN, I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT, BUT WE WERE BOTH DRUNK AND HOPEFULLY NO ONE REMEMBERS) or pondering kissing Dillonsby. So, yeah, we'll see what this year brings.